So Many, Many, Many, Ways to Die (during National Poetry Month)

April is National Poetry Month. In honor of the occasion is my contribution below. (Note this is National Poetry Month, not National Good Poetry Month.)

So Many, Many, Many Ways to Die

by L. A. Kelley

Will I drown you in the tub?

Beat your brains out with a club?

Swap your packs of Sweet’N Low for cyanide?

Once you’re sound asleep in bed

Voila! A bullet through the head.

So many, many, many ways to die.

If I laced your diet cola

With a tincture of ebola

You’d hardly have the time to wave goodbye.

A well-delivered slice

With a chain saw should suffice.

So many, many, many ways to die.

You wouldn't have a fun day

If you’re flattened by my Hyundai.

Crushed organs leave a person less than spry.

A Hefty bag’s facilitation

Simplifies asphyxiation.

So many, many, many ways to die.

C4’s pronounced kaboom

Would precipitate your doom.

You’d be teensy bits before I blink an eye.

One quick shove into the freezer?

A deveining with a tweezer?

So many, many, many ways to die

Since I caught you in the act

With your mistress in the sack

Your cheating heart I can no more deny.

For me, the best solution

Is a simple execution.

So many, many, many, ways to die.

I won’t ruin the surprise

With the date of your demise

Just know I have the perfect alibi.

So when next we meet, my dear,

You’ll be on the funeral bier

For I’ve decided on the way for you to die.